Mar 18, 2010

Snoring Away

Well woke up at like 0330 and can't fall back asleep. I realized going through all of this you can't really get on a schedule. I get tired and I want to sleep, if that's 5pm then I sleep but then end up waking up early. Yesterday was a long day for me and a bit disheartening so even though I was exhausted I only slept for about 5 hrs last night and now I'm awake. Decided to go ahead and update away while my brother snores his little butt off a couple feet away.
We had to leave for SD at like 445 to get down there by 800. The plan was to get down early and finish so we could leave by noon to miss traffic. We did pretty good but it was really rough for me while I was there. Oh just to tell everyone they've had to put me on a permanent pretty high dose of pain meds until I get better. Didn't think I was in so much pain but I notice real quick when I've fallen behind on taking it. Anyways, my doctor and I had all these things we discussed(because it's the only time I can see him so we end up deciding things last minute) and I start not being able to pay attention and sweating like crazy. He examined me and put me on diuretics as well as a standby bottle of extreme stuff to add if it's not working to try and get my uncomfortable swelling down. He told me I'm going to pee a lot but try to not hydrate as much anymore. I look at him like he was crazy. He said "seriously, I know your an athlete and you know how important staying hydrated is but in your situation it's not hydrating you, it's hurting you. bout a liter and a half a day and that's it. Trying ice chips works wonders" How do you go from pretty much 2Gal a day to a liter and a half? I said "so you want my piss to be dark?" He said yes so got to start trying it. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a happy person when I'm not hydrated hehe but if it'll help the swelling great.
We also talked about doing radiation on this tumor on my leg because it's literally growing by the day. We got it all set up but by this time I realized I was way past due for pain meds. The radiologist wanted to keep me to do a quick Ct scan of my leg to get a depth on treatment so we can start next week. I asked if I could go do chemo first because I know I could get pain meds and I'd be great to stay there for awhile but all he cared about was himself and making things convenient for him. He said it's only 30-45min. Yep I no that, that's about an hour and a half. So I basically told him to piss off. Now I got to call my doc to try and mend the burnt bridge and explain to the other doc why I did what I did.
I've realized only genuine people care about others and I could tell he wasn't one of those people and in my situation right now I've learned to be first. I love to help others anytime I can but when it comes to me starting to be in pain anything close like I was the other night hehe I'll leave it at that.
I really hope I'm starting not to talk to much on my blog, if I go to much into details please let me know I can shorten it so I keep everyone entertained better. Last thing, on top of everything else my doc decides to show my mother my most recent CT scans I got and explain them to her. I was excited because I personally have never seen anything like this they always just read me the results. It was crazy to see how much the cancer has taken over my liver, my lungs were still looking pretty good, but now I have problems elsewhere. My doc also showed how my digestive tract was working and only about half of tract is getting anything in it. Tumors have decided to embed themselves in the fat lining of my tract and my doc also said that the cancer has probably spread elsewhere we just can't see it yet because there aren't enough of them together to show up yet. I wasn't even upset at the moment. I still don't know how to feel about everything probably why I couldn't sleep that well. I've emailed UCLA to see if I had gotten a pelvis scan included when I was there just 3 weeks ago to see if it spread it that amount of time. I think I've just gotten so used to getting bad news that I expect it. My doctor is so positive and he tells me yesterday, "I'm not calling you terminal, I'm not giving up on you and I don't think, by the time I've known you that you are ready to give up either.............are you?" It's pretty amazing to finally have a doctor on your side that thinks that way and actually cares. He will definitely keep the motivation up:)

18 comments:

  1. Hey Hun! I am so glad your fam is out there with you. I am sorry you had such a bad experience with the doc. Is there another Radiation Oncologist you can see? I think you should give the radiation a shot since it is a local treatment it will concentrate just on the tumor itself which will be great if it is bothering you. I love the blogs so keep them up! Tell everyone I said hello and miss you all. XOXO

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  2. Hey lady:) Thanks for sharing your blogsite with me. What you've done is so admirable. Keep pushing through... you've done it so many times in the past... you'll do it again.

    Danielle Kenealy

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  3. we and i will never give up on you girl!!! love you! you are trully amazing and have inspired me. i love thta i have you in my life and i love that your my friend forever. jeannine and i are coming to see you tomorrow. we love you so much! love and prayers to you

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  4. You are in the biggest WOD of your life~fighting for your life.

    Your mental toughness and ability to keep your sense of humor is key~you are a hero.

    ~Kim Malz

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  5. In this legacy you have left for all of us to ponder and reread whenever we struggle, you have touched countless lives, probably more than you could comprehend in life. Your short time on this earth and epic battle with an aggressive disease will be talked about and used as an example of the way to live life. Never let anything stop you and never give up. I love you to pieces, girl. I will carry you with me in my heart through every competition, struggle, and challenge in life.

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  6. I'm so sad you're gone. We never got to talk one last time. :(

    We will remember you always.

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  7. Rest in peace, Amanda. You were such a fighter. It's evident in what you wrote. It's evident in how you competed. The world could stand to have a lot more people like you.

    I'm glad you are not in pain anymore and that you don't have to fight and struggle anymore. I know you blessed a lot of people during your all-too-short lifetime.

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  8. Life is far too short for some people.

    Here's to you, Amanda, for living your life to the fullest and fighting every step of the way.

    RIP...

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  9. Amanda,

    I don't know you, I've never met you. But I was lead here to your blog after seeing your picture on the main site and I need to tell you that you have touched my heart. I feel so sad that the world has lost such an amazing soul. I have read almost every entry of your blog and have walked through your experiences with you and cried as I felt what you must have been feeling. You have touched my heart Amanda and I will hug my kids a little tighter tonight. I will be thankful for what I have today and try to live your example. Rest In Peace my sister.......you are free.

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  10. Amanda,

    You surely know by now that your name and soul have been held up and proclaimed as amazing by all of the Crossfit community. Thank you for what you have done, what you continue to do for us, and what it means to know that no matter how hard or terrible that last rep might feel, you have been through worse.

    Rest in Peace.

    Walden

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  12. I come back to your blog from time to time. To get perspective. thank you Amanda. RIP.

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  13. So sorry life was snatched away from you before it was your time.
    RIP - Amanda

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